Me. At least after what I've been through.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
