apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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