Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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