doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
