I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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