We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize