well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize