So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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