Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
