the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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