Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
