I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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