Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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