Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
