I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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