last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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