Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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