Your face is a jimmy john
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
