I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
