i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
