I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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