And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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