i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
