If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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