Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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