Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
His hands were made for my vagina.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
