just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
