My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
