I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
