There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
