Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
