gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
