I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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