there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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