he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
