I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
