two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
