i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
