Where are you?
In a non slutty way
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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