is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had sex on a roof
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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