I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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