youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
