I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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