Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
