Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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