Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
