I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
