Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
