It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
