I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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