Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
