i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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