It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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