theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
