We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
